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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 24, 2024 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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>> i'm ama daetz and i'm dan ashley for sandyha patel. larry biel all of us here. we appreciate your time. as always. stay tuned. now on jimmy kimmel, snoop dogg and tom segura. >> i hope you have a great night. previously on "jimmy kimmel live" -- [ bird calls ] >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- snoop dogg, tom segura, and music from mammoth wvh. with cleto and the cletones.
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and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. very nice. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i am the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i got to tell you something, i just made my way from my office to the stage, and it has never smelled more like pot -- [ laughter ] >> guillermo: smelled good. >> jimmy: there are grow rooms that smell less like pot. [ laughter ] and it makes no sense because a joint is like, what, the size of maybe the ring finger, tops. it's the whole damn place. do you guys smell it? the reason, i assume, i don't want to jump to conclusions. snoop dogg is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: will somebody tell snoop dogg he's here tonight? [ laughter ] guillermo, did you visit snoop in his room before the show? >> guillermo: no, jimmy, i'm scared. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: because i can barely see your eyes tonight, why is that? >> guillermo: no, jimmy, last time i went, it took me two days to be normal. [ laughter ] so this time, i pass. >> jimmy: are you telling me -- because i'm seeing a glint. even your moustache is bloodshot right now. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: no, maybe the tequila. >> jimmy: ah, your old friend tequila is responsible. well, i do want to start the show by congratulating donald trump for winning his primary election in new hampshire last night. no applause? [ laughter ] he won by 11 points. he beat nikki haley by double digits. he's also leading haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero. [ laughter and applause ]
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but nikki haley has no plans to stop, she will not drop out. last night, she told supporters that the race is far from over, she still has literally dozens of states to lose. [ laughter ] and reminded her fans that doddering donald doesn't seem to know she isn't nancy pelosi. >> the other day, donald trump accused me of not providing security at the capitol on january 6th. [ laughter ] >> geriatric! >> i've long called for mental competence tests for politicians over the age of 75. trump claims he'd do better than me in one of those tests. maybe he would. maybe he wouldn't. but if he thinks that, then he should have no problem standing on a debate stage with me. >> jimmy: hold on. i'm going to stop you right there. you are missing the point, nikki. he said he would crush you in a mental competency test. all you need to do is say okay.
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[ laughter ] no one wants to watch you debate him. we want to see him take this test. [ laughter and applause ] we want to watch donald trump sitting with paper and a number 2 pencil, trying to figure out which one is a rectangle and which is a square. [ laughter ] that's why we want. why is this so difficult to understand? you want to win? or do you want to finish second 54 more times in a row? [ laughter ] it was party night in maga land. all the spokesmonsters were out in force, including someone we haven't seen for quite some time. >> last point. this is a democracy. a constitutional republic. we must respect the will of the people. and nikki haley can't become an election denier. she's been rejected. she can say she came in second or she can say she came in last. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: whoo! look who climbed out of the grave! i have to admit, i kind of missed that bleach-blonded she-demon blowing her vape smoke up trump's burnt orange crevice
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every moment. >> i think trump will continue to be gracious. if people say he insults -- he's been incredibly gracious to ron desantis, even to nikki haley. >> jimmy: he's been incredibly gracious! [ laughter ] he's full of graciousness. 15 minutes after they called the race in his favor, dorian gracious posted, "haley said she had the win this new hampshire, she didn't, delusional. she came in third last week. she just lost nevada, which is up next, we just won nevada. nikki came in last, not second. a very bad night for nikki bird brain haley." if that isn't incredibly gracious you know what is. [ laughter ] trump was visibly upset nikki haley gave a speech as if she won. he reportedly spent the night seething about it, and i don't blame him. pretending you won when you actually lost, it's his thing. not cool, nikki. [ applause ] by the way, if i were nikki haley, not only would i do what
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trump does and claim i won, i would tell everyone he can't be president because he was born in kenya or something. [ laughter ] i'd be like, where's the birth certificate, kunta-donte? [ laughter ] donald trump seemed to be the only one who was unhappy last night as the stars of the manage ga verse descended to party in new hampshire, including the klan mom herself. >> tonight, nikki haley was defeated. the problem is, she's going to be dumb enough and she's going to be a fake candidate and she's going to keep going, and we're going to destroy her in south carolina. it's going to be a complete humiliation. i can't wait to see it happen. >> jimmy: it's always inspiring to see women supporting other women. [ laughter ] that's what we learned from "baby," wasn't it? was she drunk? was that little goblin drinking the blood of a leprechaun again? >> i mean, he won it 8:03 officially. >> that's hilarious. nikki haley is such a joke. this primary is over with.
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so we can officially say the biden/harris campaign has dementia, just like the president. they forgot to put him on the ballot and their voters are having to write it in and he's losing. joe biden is losing the write-in here in new hampshire. you can't say anything more pathetic than that. >> would jimmy kimmel write about that tomorrow night on his show? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: write about it? what do you mean, write about it? don't get me wrong, i appreciate the shout-out. but write? this isn't a newsletter. [ laughter ] it's a television show. anyway, it's worth mentioning that biden won new hampshire as a write-in. he got 55% of the vote. [ applause ] trump got 54% of the vote, which is less. it's also worth mentioning that marge t. green either is or was dating that reporter she was talking to. and who can blame him? she seems great. [ laughter ] she's got more loose bolts than a boeing 737. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] thank you. you know who else made an appearance at the trump new hampshire watch party?
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the fabulously disgraced former congressman george santos. >> did they invite you here today? >> no, i came, open event, public event, i just came. it's maga time, baby. it's 2024. >> jimmy: well. looks like somebody's gunning for a pardon, huh? [ laughter ] trump must hate him so much. he must be -- i looked all over the internet for a picture of them together and there are none. trump has who knows how many photos with jeffrey epstein, george santos? he's like," you stay over there." more than a thousand people have been arrested in connection with the insurrection that happened after the last presidential election. and some of the good folks who stormed the capitol are complaining that it's affecting their travel plans. they claim that whenever they fly now, they get held up by airport security. which, i don't know, kind of makes sense. remember what happened the last time you got past security? it was bad. of course it takes more time, if you're an insurrectionist, to
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get through tsa. you have to take off your face paint, your viking helmet, your raccoon pelt, your sword from party city. [ laughter ] it's a whole thing. [ applause ] i tend to think that if you overthrow the government, having to take the bus for the rest of your life is a pretty fair punishment. [ laughter ] but for those who prefer to fly, help is on the way. >> for those involved in a violent and treasonous attack on democracy, air travel can leave you feeling grounded. introducing patriot air. kick off your camouflage crocs and settle for an insurrection-friendly ride. with top-notch in-flight entertainment. gourmet gas station cuisine. generous overhead space for your open-carry carry-ons. nonstop service to dozens of loanses all over the flat earth. patriot air knowing flying can be stressful, especially if you once roped the guys in your
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snowmobile club into trying to kidnap the governor of michigan. patriot air believes in second chances. that's why 100% of our pilots are also registered sex offenders. when you love your country enough to violently attack it, patriot air. the only planes with truck nuts. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: americans aren't the only ones worried about trump forcing his way back into the white house. the prime minister of canada, justin trudeau, seems to be losing a bit of sleep over it, too. >> obviously mr. trump represents a certain amount of unpredictability. but we will make sure we're pulling together and preparing for whatever eventualities. >> jimmy: eventualities. that's a nice canadian way of putting it, eventualities. meanwhile, he's like jamie lee curtis waiting for michael myers to come back. [ laughter ] how does canada prepare for trump, anyway?
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do all the arby's in ottawa turn off their lights and pretend no one's home? [ laughter ] i get why he's worried. you know, trump floated the idea of firing missiles into mexico to stop the drug cartels. i would imagine justin trudeau's got to be thinking, what if he holds the map upside down? [ laughter ] i mean, if he holds it like he held that bible, could be lights oot for the canadians. [ laughter ] poor canada, it must be like living in an apartment over a crack house. [ laughter ] how funny would it be if they build a wall to keep us out? right? [ laughter ] and this is an especially complicated scenario for me, because i am, for those who watch the show regularly know, i am the mayor of a canadian town. back in 2019, i was either named, or named myself, i don't remember what happened, but i'm the honorary mayor of a real town named dildo. [ laughter ] so if you hear somebody call me the mayor of dildo, it's not an insult, it's my job. [ laughter ] i assumed i would be mayor for life.
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but recently, some random guy i've never heard of, his name is todd cole, tagged me on instagram with the following message. "hey @jimmykimmellive, i will run against you for the mayor of dildo. #greatbeer #beautifulplace." a guy named todd? my dog is named dog. [ laughter ] a guy who thinks he can unseat me. and while some people might take this as a joke, that's not how i operate. i take my dildo duties seriously, and if this punk wants to come at me, he should know that i am well-funded, i am vindictive as all get-out. [ laughter ] i will do whatever i have to destroy him, and i am watching his every move! >> hello, it's me, your honorary mayor, jimmy kimmel. since you opened your arms to me back in 2019, dildo has been humming. >> the town experienced an incredible tourism boom. >> median income is up 17%. crime is down. our community is growing. just recently, we welcomed four
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beautiful new folks in dildo have been so thrilled i'm mayor, they can't seem to keep their hands off each other. but now an outsider named todd cole wants to change that. who is todd cole? todd lives in ontario, and from what i can tell, spends most of his time in the woods. probably drenched in deer urine from head to toe. todd owns and operates a sign rental company that uses illegal dog labor to do spell check. well, guess how that turned out? eldery care? todd cole doesn't care about spelling or our golden seniors. that's why todd and his illiterate dog have no place in dildo. for the past four years, i've been hard at work rebuilding dildo to be a community of dreams.
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while todd is busy posting inspirational quotes from known canada hater tom hanks. and pushing his recipe for crock pot moonshine on pinterest. unfortunately for todd, it's illegal to make moonshine in canada without a license. matter of fact, for a guy who wants to be mayor, todd cole doesn't seem to have a clue about the law. if he'd even bothered to read the rural planning act of 2000, chapter u-a part 4 chapter 36 subsection 2-c, he'd know the mayor of dildo has the power to prohibit signage. guess what, that mayor is me. todd cole won't be putting his dumb signs in our town. not now, not ever. i installed the only sign in this town that matters. so when you go to the polls, dildo, tell todd cole to stick it up his you know where. and thanks for making me your mayor. oh, who are these kids? >> oy, captain dildo, i approve
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of this message because todd cole is trying to steal me [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a warning, todd, a warning. we've got a good show tonight. tom segura is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from mammoth wvh. and we'll be right back with the one and only snoop dogg. so stick around!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back to the show. tonight, a very funny comedian and podcaster. he is on the "come together" stand-up comedy tour right now. tom segura is with us. [ cheers and applause ] later on, a rock 'n' roll band from right here in l.a., fronted by wolfgang van halen. their album "mammoth ii" is out now, music from mammoth wvh. [ cheers and applause ] you can see mammoth wvh open for foo fighters and metallica this summer, and their own tour starts february 21st in st. louis, missouri. tomorrow night, milo ventimiglia and freshly minted oscar nominee davine joy randolph will be with us with music from vacations. i told the audience my seat is lower, they just came out and
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measured, and no, it's exactly the same. >> guillermo: oh, wow. >> jimmy: turns out, someone deflated my ass. [ rim shot ] when the oscar nominations came out yesterday, sadly, our first guest's movie, "bomb pizza," was overlooked. but, he is bizzouncing right back. his new sports comedy, "the underdoggs," premieres friday on amazon prime video. please welcome the one, the only snoop dogg! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? snoop, i'm a little -- i'm a little disappointed that you were unable to get your clutches into guillermo before the show, as you usually do. >> oh, he's stuck like a dump truck, don't worry. [ laughter ] i got that catch up to me later.
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i gave him some catch up later. >> jimmy: you gave him some catch up stuff? you didn't tell me that guillermo. >> he got the weed that's going to catch up to him later. >> jimmy: is there anybody on your list you've always wanted to smoke with, or anyone that would shock us that you have smoked with? >> i'm not going to tell on anyone. i'd rather say people who i have on my, you know, bucket list. i would love to smoke with sade. >> jimmy: that's a good one, that's out of nowhere. >> hopefully get a record on out of her, too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oprah, meryl streep? >> eh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: neither one, huh? >> what about -- martha stewart. >> jimmy: martha, well. [ cheers ] based on what i've seen, that's happened already. i was on that show with you. oh, this photograph. i want to put this up because this is interesting. this is the cast of movie
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"oppenheimer the whole cast, except for matt damon, thankfully, is there. and one notable addition, that's you. [ laughter ] how did this happen? were you in "oppenheim ir"and i didn't notice? >> i wasn't in the movie. i happened to be at that party that night. >> jimmy: you didn't blow the mushroom cloud off your lungs or something like that? >> i'm a fan of the majority of the cast on there, the director, the actors. they asked me to be in the picture. "we can't take a picture unless snoop dogg is in it." i'm like, "all right." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you see yeah oppenhe oppenheimer"? >> i loved it. >> jimmy: watch it a the home or go to the theater? >> i got the screen, they sent it to me at the house, you know what i'm talking about? >> jimmy: are you the kind of guy that will sit through a whole movie, or watch it in pieces? >> i can't watch it in pieces, i want to respect the director, the actors, the whole storyline, let it get to where it need to get to. >> jimmy: did you see "barbie"? >> i went to the theater and seen "barbie."
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>> jimmy: you went to the theater. [ cheers and applause ] so if you're -- are you in the academy, by any chance? >> now you know damn well they ain't got me in no academy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you should be in the academy. >> what's happening? >> jimmy: why wouldn't you be in the academy? you've been in a lot of movies, haven't you? >> i have high standards. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is great. this is a great idea. whoever thought of this need a promotion of some kind. you've been hired by nbc to help cover the summer olympics in paris this summer. [ cheers and applause ] >> true. >> jimmy: on your youtube show, you would look at these clips of these sports, then you would comment on them. somebody said, "yeah, let's do this." that seems like a great gig for you, yeah? >> i get to go to paris, i get to be alongside the great mike tirico, and work with these athletes that i admire. some of them are friends of mine. and globally, a lot of people know me.
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so it's going to be an easy play for me to speak certain languages and do certain things others can't do. >> jimmy: will you be involved only in the sports you know? or will you be like at table tennis and badminton? that's where i would ask you to go, the sports where nobody cares. >> we're definitely, we're definitely thinking outside of the box. then at the same time, i may try a few events. >> jimmy: you may try events? >> yes. >> jimmy: you will compete for our nation? [ laughter ] >> no, no. i said nothing about -- i said i may try a few events. >> jimmy: you know there's an equestrian competition at the olympics. >> yeah, that's with the crip-walking horse. [ laughter ] i'm definitely going to that. i will be front row for that. like oh, hey, cat! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are -- you don't like horses, though, right? >> i'm afraid of horses. >> jimmy: you're afraid of horses. is there a reason why? did something happen? >> they just bigger than me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you you're afraid -- like a giraffe? >> i did a video one time, and
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the director brought a ostrich. >> jimmy: yeah? >> when that thing stood next to me, i was like cuz, i'm out, i can't shoot. he started putting his head over here and all that. i don't like animals you can't say, sit down! get over there! uh-uh. >> jimmy: you -- you -- this was -- i always wanted to ask you about, haven't had time on previous occasions. but you had a one-time, correct me if i have any of this wrong, a sit-down with dionne warwick? in which she was upset with you, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes. >> you know, the music that i was making, she comes from an era where she feels like when you make music, you're supposed to make a message, say the right things. that's the elder, that's somebody that we respect. >> jimmy: sure. >> so along the lines of respect, it's like, you have to have respect in order to get respect. so i respected everything that shouldn't. and i felt like when she said it at the time, i didn't understand it and didn't respect it. but if you look at my career
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now, i believe that i've got it. >> jimmy: you've learned it, you matured. >> i've grown into the man that i was supposed to be, that she wanted me to be at the time. >> jimmy: she called you to her house? >> yes. she was a psychic. and i believe that she thought that she could see the future. >> jimmy: i remember that. [ laughter ] she had the psychic hotline stuff. she became more famous for the psychic hotline i think than from her music career. >> her career is amazing. >> jimmy: incredible singer. so she calls you in. was it just you? or was it you and -- >> death row records she called in. they played around for like four hours, had her on hold. "we'll be there in five minutes, be right at the corner, almost there, i'll be there in a minute." >> jimmy: shug was too scared to face dionne warwick? >> uh-huh, i won't say he was too scared. he was too -- gangsta. >> jimmy: i see. >> you say wee what i'm saying? you go to a lady's house that's so respected, you don't want to put your gang sta to that
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respect. >> jimmy: isn't it more gangsta to take from it deiionne warwic who was upset you were saying the word bitch in your song? >> that was sort of some of it. [ laughter ] it was more, can do you make music that was rated g? we tried to explain, we were making a "g." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll have more with snoop dogg, be right back! >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by moonpie. if you're an alien, moonpie wants your business. seriously. to help protect from hiv. i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv
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i decide to work out a deal with the los angeles county outreach program so you could haootbl legend jason "two js" jennings as your new head coach. >> legend? get out of here, dog. >> [ bleep ]. >> i know who he is. >> about time you put respect on my name. >> he used the fake on drug tests. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's "the underdogs." mike epps, you could be the new cheech and chong, become a team together. >> why don't you produce us? >> jimmy: i would love to. have you ever cheated on a drug test? have you ever been required to give a youurine sample -- >> it's hard for me to cheat on a drug test because of who i am.
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drug test, you have to physically go there, pull your thing, somebody stand behind you watching. you know that, right? kind of hard unless you brought fake pe. with you. >> jimmy: which people do. >> have it tied to your thing, have it squirt out. i'm not going to take that chance. >> jimmy: i've got a whole closet full. >> come on, jimmy. >> jimmy: callei'm the mayor of dildo. i think you knew that about me. one of the things that i -- always makes me laugh is hearing little kids cursing, hearing little kids use profanity. you've got a lot of that in this movie. >> a whole lot of that in the movie. i wanted to make a movie based off the kids that i've encountered from my football league, how they started off this way but they became something different. in the community that i come from, foul language is regular language. but it's appropriate when you're around your friends, when adults are around, when to check it.
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>> jimmy: you have the snoop football league. >> yes. >> jimmy: some of these guys are in nfl now, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: these kids that were in your league? >> yes, we've sent over 40 kids to the nfl. >> jimmy: 40 kids in the nfl? [ cheers and applause ] and you -- i mean, you get a piece of that? >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: do they have to pay -- >> no, no, you know what i get a piece of? peace of mind. [ cheers and applause ] peace of mind that we did our jobs. we've got to think about these areas that these kids come from. gang violence and joining the wrong organization was always the first option. now my football league is the first option. now that they see that you can make and it there's guys that are making it, it's more inspiring to do that than to do that. >> jimmy: that's good, yeah. [ applause ] that's great. who's the most famous layer that played in your league? >> right now today, i would say c.j. stroud is the most famous. >> jimmy: he's the rookie of the year. the quarterback of the texans. >> yes. >> jimmy: do you -- did you know him then, when he was a little kid? >> yeah, he played for the same
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chapter that i coached at, the pomona stellars. he was one level under me. i would coach the 10-year-olds, he was 9 years old. >> jimmy: do you guys know him, talk about this sort of thing? >> when he went to houston, when he went and had his first preseason games, check in with him during the season. he's a strong kid. he's brought up right. his mother deserves a lot of credit for being that single mother. then his father from a distance raising him as well. it's a whole village that i takes to raise these kids. it's not just one person. it looks like i did it, but it's never i, it's always us, it's always we. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's good. you've been on the show a lot of times. we've known each other for a very long time. sometimes i like to ask you random things, see what you come up with. i have some random -- this is called "has snoop dogg ever?" we're going to fire them at you.
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has snoop dogg ever met royalty? >> i am royalty. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: has snoop dogg ever made the bed? >> i make the bed every day. >> jimmy: do you really? >> man, i vacuum, i take out the trash, wash dishes. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: has snoop dogg ever planted anything other than the obvious? [ laughter ] >> i planted my feet on the ground. >> jimmy: have you ever been to companie costco? >> yes. >> jimmy: and? >> my wife loves costco. >> jimmy: are you able to walk freely around costco? >> she goes to costco with my money, so i'm at costco. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: have you ever babysat? >> yes, i have grandkids. >> jimmy: grandkids, okay. that doesn't count, i don't think. i mean, like babysitter like you get paid by the parents. >> oh, no.
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hell no. [ laughter ] anybody trust me with their kids and pay me? no, jimmy. i'm taking that money, running off, "call me when your mama get home." >> jimmy: it's great to see you. the movie is called "the underdoggs" premieres friday on amazon prime video. snoop dogg, everybody. thank you. we'll be back with tom segura. i have moderate to severe crohn's disease. now, there's skyrizi. ♪ things are looking up, i've got symptom relief. ♪ ♪ control of my crohn's means everything to me. ♪ ♪ control is everything to me. ♪ feel significant symptom relief at 4 weeks with skyrizi, including less abdominal pain and fewer bowel movements. skyrizi is the first il-23 inhibitor that can deliver remission and visibly improve damage of the intestinal lining. and the majority of people experienced long-lasting remission at one year. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms,
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i'm peter dixon and in kenya... we built a hospital that provides maternal care. as a marine... we fought against the taliban and their crimes against women. and in hillary clinton's state department... we took on gender-based violence in the congo. now extremists are banning abortion and contraception right here at home. so, i'm running for congress to help stop them. for your family... and mine.
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i approved this message because this is who we are. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. music from mammoth wvh is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man with about ten podcasts in two languages and a big standup comedy tour called "come together," get tickets at tomsegura.com. please say hello to tom segura. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: how are you? >> good, i'm a little high. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. it's true, right? it's not a joke. >> no, it's not. we're sharing a hallway. he gave me a nice hug, and i felt it. felt it in here, feel it up here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. you just got back from doing -- your comedy tour went to asia. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what countries did you go to? >> we did -- we did japan. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> hong kong and singapore. >> jimmy: you're from what, cincinnati, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you ever imagine you'd be doing stand-up comedy in hong kong and singapore? >> no. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] and you have fans over there. >> it's crazy. yeah, the whole, you know -- yeah. the internet, pod katz, specials have changed everything. >> jimmy: these are primarily people that listen to the podcast? >> i think it's netflix and podcasts together, combination, yeah. wild. >> jimmy: did you get to -- like were you just working or did you get to see -- >> no, we got to explore.
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we ate like jerks. just so much of everything. we ate all their food, there's no more food left. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: asia's out of food? >> they're out of food. it's the best food i've ever had. tokyo, there is not a dirty ass in tokyo. [ laughter ] hold on. every public toilet has a built-in bidet, every single one. >> jimmy: yes, right. >> i took two dumps at 7-eleven. on purpose. [ laughter ] like, for me to take a dump at a 7-eleven in the united states is a catastrophic -- >> jimmy: for everyone, yeah. >> and it was clean, it was nice. they welcomed you. "you want to take a dump? "yeah." it was beautiful. >> jimmy: why is that culture so much more respectful -- >> they're better than us, dude. >> jimmy: yeah. >> when you're there you're like, oh, no, we're falling behind. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, we -- yeah.
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that is what disneyland is. >> sure. >> jimmy: you walk in everything is sparkling. you go, if only the world would like this. >> the states look like a bus stop next to everything in asia. >> jimmy: yeah. on your podcast you talk about your mom. >> >> jimmy: and mom signifiegura. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you torture your mother, is that fair to say? >> we have a transactional relationship. >> jimmy: what does that mean, exactly? >> she's my mom, and i buy her stuff. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: which is really a relationship a child has with his parents -- >> totally. she's present peru. she has a heavy accent when she speaks english. "how are jou?" i'm like, this is a christian guy. she doesn't like anything i do. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> "you are grotesque. you say porno." she doesn't even know how to -- she means curse. "you talk porno." [ laughter ]
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so i try to get her to say things and do things. you know, i uploaded videos of her farting. all this stuff that makes her mad. then i have to pay for it. >> jimmy: you brought a video of something you did to her -- >> this is the best. >> jimmy: explain what this is. >> this is the best thing i feel i've ever done. [ laughter ] i've done five specials. this is better. so she came to visit me and my family for her 79th birthday. and i was like, i've been taking flying lessons in helicopters. so i was like, hey, how about for your birthday -- i thought this was going to get shot down. how about we go with my instructor and we do a scenic tour? show you the city of austin? and she was like, "that sounds amazing." and i was like, "great." so i had the chop irregulared with go pros. then i told my instructor, "hey" -- this is an md-fune
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hundred. "once we get up there, fly for a little bit, i'll give you a signal, then do some wild stuff. go vertical. do a crazy stop. go sideways. she's going to lose her mind, and it's going to make me laugh so hard." and it went exactly as planned. >> jimmy: here it is, to segura's crowning achievement. [ screaming ] [ laughing ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i could hear her, she was going, "think about your father." [ laughter ] "he'd be upset." >> jimmy: was she angry with you afterwards? >> so angry. >> jimmy: yeah, right. [ laughter ] >> so -- she was like, "you are an evil man." >> jimmy: you were able to somehow do it over again and make it up to her? >> i did. every time, the price goes up.
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it gets expensive. >> jimmy: what do you mean, the price goes up? >> well, like that day, she was like, "we are going to the mall." cosmetics, a new i-watch, ipad. "are we good?" "no." she then requested i give her two first-class tickets to las vegas, a presidential suite, and money to gamble with. money to gamble with, that's a vague -- how much money? she's like, "we'll get there." [ laughter ] i give her thousands of dollars to gamble with. >> jimmy: of course, you have to do it. >> of course, yeah. >> jimmy: that's the price. >> that's the price, dude, yeah. >> jimmy: for the helicopter video. you're going to be in vegas. >> yes. >> jimmy: super bowl weekend with burnt kreischer. >> at the mgm. we have big surprises on the show. huge guests on the show. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> events all week. it's going to be a wild week in veg vegas. >> jimmy: all right, that sounds like a lot of fun. you guys are very funny together. >> we have a good time.
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>> jimmy: you also are, i know, an f-1 racing fan. big f-1 racing fan. >> right, yeah. >> jimmy: you even hang out with some of these guys, right? >> yeah, i'm buddies with danny ricciardo. [ whoops ] i know some people from scone are happy. >> jimmy: sconers, yeah. a lot of sconers. >> yeah, he hit me up. "when you're in perth in western australia, come to my ranch." i was like, that sounds awesome. i go there. and he puts me -- first he's driving around on this, like, open-air, like four-wheel thing, like 70 miles an hour drifting. oh my god, this is insane. you're telling yourself, this is one of the 20 best drivest in the world, i guess we'll live. you don't know what's going to happen. he's driving like a maniac. he pulls up to this barn. there's little dirt bikes, 10 cc dirt bikes. "have you ever ridden a dirt bike?" "no, and i don't think i should." "it's easy. have you rid ann bike?" "yeah, mate, i've ridden a bike." [ laughter ]
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"it's just a bike with an engine." i get the concept, i just don't know how to do it. "there's a clutch here, four gears, this is your brake, and you're just cruising, it's easy." i'm like, "all right." i can't bitch on an f-1 driver. i get on. he's right. i get into fourth. we're flying up this gravel path, going 35 miles an hour. i've never been happier. i have two kids and i've never been happier than this moment. [ laughter ] and then i just see this huge turn come up. and i was like, oh, what do i do here? well, he told me, here's the brake. so i hit the brake. i turn. i slide out. i lose the bike. i go flying on the gravel. like arm torn open. leg gashed. i'm looking up like, how bad is this? and i turn to ask him. and he's crying laughing. [ laughter ] i've never seen somebody laugh
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harder. "you're supposed to use the rear brake." "you didn't tell me about the rear brake." "my bad, man." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he buy you a trip to las vegas? >> he didn't give me anything, no. give me a band-aid. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. go see these guys in las vegas. chris kricher and tom segura the "come together" tour. here in l.a. on may 9th at the netflix joke fest. tickets are available at tomsegura.com. we'll be right back with mammoth wvh. ♪(sock it to me, sock it to me)♪ ♪a little respect♪ ♪(sock it to me, sock it to me)♪ ♪whoa, babe. a little respect.♪ ♪(just a little bit)♪ ♪i get tired.♪ ♪(just a little bit)♪ ♪keep on tryin'♪ ♪(just a little bit)♪ applebee's all you can eat riblets, shrimp and boneless wings are back for just $14.99.
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and prep without pills. save at apretude.com (oven ding audio mnemonic) tyson boneless buffalo bites and hot wings have that tasty kick of flavor... ...so they're perfect for any get-together ...if there are any left when your guests arrive. tyson any'tizers® chicken. more kicks of flavor. more smiling snackers. more to love. tyson. let's begin shall we? this is apple tv+. the streaming service with something for everyone. let's go! new releases every week. the best movies, shows and so much more. you can watch it on all the devices you already own. here we go. ♪ start streaming now. to give super bowl runners up a ring of comfort. i've got an idea. what if we keep the diamonds and offer words of comfort to players instead? nah. we want diamonds. ♪
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...katie porter's whiteboard is one way she's: [news anchor] ...often seen grilling top executives of banks, big pharma, even top administration officials. katie porter. never taken corporate pac money - never will. leading the fight to ban congressional stock trading. and the only democrat who opposed wasteful “earmarks” that fund politicians' pet projects. katie porter. focused on your challenges - from lowering housing costs to fighting climate change. shake up the senate - with democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message.
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>> jimmy: this is their album "mammoth ii." here with the song "i'm alright," mammoth wvh! ♪ ♪ you wanna know how i've got the know-how that kind of thinking is all around ♪ ♪ just take it slow now but don't get bogged down or you'll end up in the ground ♪ ♪ i'm gettin' over you i hope you feel it too i'm gettin' over you i know you feel it too ♪ ♪ sorry so sorry it's kind of you to say you just made my day ♪ ♪ sorry i'm so sorry ♪
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♪ kind of you to say you just made my day ♪ ♪ sorry i'm so sorry ♪ ♪ it's kind of you to say back off and walk away and let me breathe ♪ ♪ they try to own ya and fill the quota don't need your help yeah i'm quite alright ♪ ♪ you've gotta walk tall your back's against the wall now walk right into the light ♪ ♪ ooh i'm gettin' over you i hope you feel it too ooh i'm gettin' over you i know you feel it too ♪ ♪ sorry so sorry
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it's kind of you to say you just made my day ♪ ♪ sorry i'm so sorry ♪ ♪ it's kind of you to say back off and walk away and let me breathe ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you think you're clever
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i'll make it better ♪ ♪ before you blink you'll be mine all mine ♪ ♪ sorry so sorry it's kind of you to say you just made my day ♪ ♪ sorry i'm so sorry ♪ ♪ it's kind of you to say back off and walk away and let me breathe ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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to protect the rule of law, or to build affordable housing, or write california's patients bill of rights. but i know adam through the big brother program. we've been brothers since i was seven. he stood by my side as i graduated from yale, and i stood by his side when he married eve, the love of his life. i'm a little biased, but take it from adam's little brother. he'll make us all proud as california senator. i'm adam schiff and i approve this message.
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(vo) meet fargo, the new virtual assistant from wells fargo. fargo makes banking faster, and easier. (woman) fargo, turn off my debit card! (vo) lets you pick up the tab, even if you forget your wallet... (kaz) i got this. (ben) fargo, send kaz $145 dollars with zelle®. (kaz) smooth. (vo) fargo puts important information at your fingertips. (dad) fargo, what did i spend on groceries this month? (son) hey dad, can the guys stay for dinner? (dad) no... (vo) want to see everything fargo can do? you can, with wells fargo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to snoop dogg, tom segura and mammoth wvh. apologies to matt damon. we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching, goodnight.
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tonight, exodus. with the crisis overwhelming border towns and big cities -- >> no city should be going through this. it's not sustainable. >> what's driving people to the united states? >> the venezuelan crisis is the biggest humanitarian crisis that most americans have never heard of. >> we're across continents with those making the treacherous trek north. the peril and danger.

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